


things left unspoken

by dinosar



Series: tumblr requests [8]
Category: Hunter X Hunter
Genre: Friends to Lovers, Love Confessions, M/M, Mild Angst, Pining, Time Skips, this is basically killugon through the years idk
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-05-23
Updated: 2015-05-23
Packaged: 2018-03-31 21:42:33
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 5,840
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/3993886
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/dinosar/pseuds/dinosar
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>keeping secrets from your best friend is hard. killua learns that the hard way.</p><p>--</p><p>
  <em>Killua is eighteen, and everything feels wrong.</em>
</p>
            </blockquote>





	things left unspoken

**Author's Note:**

> this turned out a lot longer than it was supposed to be
> 
> oops

When Killua is twelve, Gon says, "Hey Killua, tell me a secret!"

"I don't have any secrets," he answers, because it's true—he sees no point in concealing things about himself, especially not with Gon. He's starting to think nothing he says can really surprise the other boy, so it's easy to be open with him.

Gon only pouts, a displeased groan leaving his throat. "But everyone has secrets, don't they?" he presses, nudging the taller boy with his knee.

Killua turns to him and grins, a mischievous look on his face. "Does that mean that _you_ have secrets? _Hmm_?"

Gon's eyes widen, and Killua only laughs as the shorter boy whines "Killuaaaaa! That's not fair!"

The taller boy shrugs, a grin on his face. "You walked right into that one."

Gon pouts harder and crosses his arms, and Killua wants to laugh at how disgruntled he looks. "Well I don't have any secrets either," the dark haired boy grumbles.

But Killua already knows that—after all, Gon is too straightforward. Lying probably never even crosses his mind.

 

* * *

 

Killua is fourteen when, again, Gon says, "Killua, you should tell me a secret!"

"Idiot, you know I don't keep secrets," the pale boy answers, reaching over to grab his best friend in a headlock. _Not from you,_ he tacks on silently.

It's a lie though. He does have a secret now—a secret he's promised to always keep from Gon. It's okay as long as he doesn't think about it; he can almost pretend it's not there when it's not at the forefront of his mind.

But he's thinking about it now, and it's starting to feel like an itch he just can't scratch. Because he can't tell Gon, and it _hurts_ —but the secret he's keeping is the kind of secret that could jeopardize his friendship, and he'll be damned if he loses the best friend he's ever had just because he can't get his shit sorted.

 _This is fine,_ he thinks as they wrestle, Gon's peels of laughter filling the air. _This is all I need, right?_

But there's an insistent, niggling thought in the back of his head that will always tempt him with thoughts of _more_.

 

* * *

 

Killua is sixteen the next time he hears those words.

"Kil, c'mon, there must be _something_ you haven't told me yet. Tell me a secret."

His voice is deep, much deeper than it had been the first time he'd asked this question. Killua thinks that things were much simpler back then.

Back when he wasn't in love with his best friend.

It's getting harder to hide. He's trying, he really is, but it's so goddamn _hard_. He could've written it off as puppy love a few years ago, as nothing more than a simple crush on the first person who actually gave a shit about him as a person. He can't do that _now_ , though—he's known Gon so long, and his feelings for him seem to grow with each passing minute. The only person he'd ever loved before Gon was his sister, and this is completely different. He loves Gon so much that he feels like he might just explode.

"Why are you so obsessed with my non-existent secrets, _huh_?" he asks, trying to act like he's not so nervous that he feels as if his heart is going to beat out of his chest.

_He can't know. I'll lose him if he knows. There's no way he'd ever feel the same. I can't let him find out. I can't fuck this up._

_I can't lose him._

Gon offers a grin, stretching his muscular arms out before tucking them behind his head as he settles back against the grass, thoughtfully looking up at the billions of stars above their heads. "I just wanna make sure that I know everything about you, I guess. After all, you know everything about me, so I'd feel like an idiot if there was something I didn't know about you. Does that make sense?"

Killua can't decide if he wants to shake him or kiss him. He can't just say things like that—he's making it worse.

The paler teen leans back, palms pressed into the grass behind him. He looks up at the stars as well before closing his eyes, sighing. "I promise that you know everything you _really_ need to know, okay?"

Gon hums. "Okay, I get it. You'll tell me when you're ready—I can be patient."

Killua's eyes snap open, and he chokes on the air he's inhaling. He sputters for a moment before he chokes out, "Wait, _what_?"

Gon simply grins as he meets his eyes, and Killua finds it even harder to breathe because _wow_ , he's so fucking _beautiful_ and it's not _fair_. "Killua, c'mon, I'm your best friend. I may be a little dense sometimes, but I can tell when you're hiding something. And even though I _reeeally_ wanna know what it is, I'll be patient, okay? I'll wait as long as you need me to."

Killua turns his head away, a hot blush on his cheeks. "You don't know _how_ to be patient, idiot. Once you latch on to something, you don't let go until you have it."

It's one of the things he loves most about his best friend, actually. Even though it had gotten them both into trouble in the past.

Gon rolls over and rubs his head into the taller boy's hip. "Don't you have any faith in me at all?" he whines.

Killua feels his face soften, and a fond smile tugs at his lips as he pushes the shorter teen away. "Your track record isn't the best, Gon," he answers, flicking him in the forehead.

Gon yelps, reaching up to rub the sore spot on his forehead. "Just you wait and see, Killua. I'll show you that I can be patient!" he promises, sitting up. His hazel eyes shine with determination, and not for the first time that night, the taller boy feels like the air has been sucked from his lungs.

Later that night, after their fire has gone out, Gon's body unconsciously seeks Killua's for warmth. It's at this time, with his sleeping best friend's arm and leg draped over him as soft snores leave his open mouth, that Killua allows the words to leave his mouth in the softest of whispers.

"I love you, Gon. And I'm a big fat coward for saying it while you're asleep, but I guess I want you to know in some way...even though you won't really know. I'm too scared to risk losing you by actually telling you, so this will have to be enough. I fucking love you, Gon Freecss, and it scares the hell out of me because you're you and I'm me and...and someone like me will never deserve someone like you."

 

* * *

 

  
Killua is eighteen, and everything feels wrong.

He hasn't seen Gon in months. He has no one to blame for that other than himself, he knows—he'd pushed him away. His feelings had gotten to be too much, and he hadn't been able to handle it anymore.

So he'd pushed him away, because if he was going to lose Gon, it had to be on _his_ terms.

Still, though, he's haunted every night by the look he'd seen in his best friend's eyes before he'd walked away. He'd looked confused, hurt—Killua feels like scum whenever he thinks about it.

Which is always.

He's miserable, and he thinks he deserves that. Alluka tries to cheer him up when he visits her, but there's only so much she can do. He appreciates her attempts, really, but eventually he ends up leaving her too. He doesn't deserve her kindness.

He's been with Gon for so long that now, even after three months without him, he still has to remind himself that he isn't there.

He's so angry with himself. If he'd been able to just get over his stupid feelings, he'd still have Gon by his side. But he was weak then, and he's still weak now because even though his best friend isn't there, his heart still wants him just as much. He feels a constant, hollow ache in his chest, and he knows it's his punishment for what he's done.

He wonders if Gon is okay. He hasn't allowed himself to go near him, scared that he'll just fall to his knees and beg for forgiveness. Which he knows he will, and he knows he'll be forgiven. Which he doesn't deserve. So he refuses to tempt himself like that—really, it's better for everyone involved.

He's considered calling Leorio or Kurapika, certain that Gon's talked to them, but he's scared that they'll hang up on him. He knows he wouldn't blame them for doing so after he'd hurt Gon, but he's a coward—he'd rather live in ignorance and believe that they're still his friends. But it's not like they've tried to contact him, either, so he knows he's only fooling himself. Gon comes first to them—he knows it, and he wouldn't have it any other way. He's resigned himself to the fact that he'll probably never hear from them again.

Which is why he's surprised when one day, his phone flashes and displays Leorio's name on the screen.

At first, he's too scared to do anything but stare at the screen until it stops ringing. He's ashamed of his cowardly actions, but he can't help it.

But then his phone starts ringing again, and he knows he can't ignore it. Swallowing his fear, he hits talk and lifts it to his ear.

Before he can even say anything, Leorio is already speaking.

" _I_ _diot_ , don't you know how to answer a phone?! Goddammit Killua!"

The teen feels as if his heart has jumped into his throat at Leorio's tone of voice. He sounds agitated, and the sound of it immediately puts Killua on edge.

"I'm sorry," he says, because he doesn't know what else to say and because he means it. He doesn't know if he's apologizing for not picking up sooner or if he's apologizing for what he's done to Gon—maybe it's a bit of both. He means it either way, so he supposes it really doesn't matter.

He hears an irritated sigh. " _I'_ _m_ not the one you should be apologizing to. You really messed up, do you understand me?" His voice cracks, and Killua hears him curse softly—immediately, he feels cold.

"Leorio, he's okay, right?"

_Silence._

" _Fuck_ ," he whispers, raking a hand through his hair. He ends up pulling on the white strands hard enough that it hurts, but he doesn't even care. "Leorio, where is he?" He fights down the urge to be sick as images of Gon in that hospital bed all those years ago rise unbidden to the forefront of his mind, and immediately his eyes fill with tears—especially when Leorio still doesn't answer. "Goddammit Leorio! Fucking answer me already!" he barks out, fighting down a wave of panic. If anything happened to Gon...he doesn't know what he'll do. He doesn't want to think about it.

"...he's in the hospital, _okay_?" Leorio lets out a frustrated growl, and Killua hears a thump that he suspects is the older man's fist hitting the wall. "He's been so _goddamn_ reckless these past few months—always getting into fights and shit, and he finally bit off more than he could chew. The goddamn stupid idiot thought he was invincible! But he isn't and now he's paying the price!"

Killua's not sure exactly when he started to cry, but his tears are hot as they slip silently down his cheeks. His legs give out and he slides down the wall, head hanging between his legs as he clutches at the fabric over his heart. He feels like he can't breathe.

He hears a bitter laugh. " _What_ , you can't even say anything? I don't know what the fuck's gotten into you or why you did what you did, but ever since you left him he hasn't been himself. Honestly? I wasn't even going to call you, because I'm not sure you deserve to know anything about him anymore. But I'm fucking tired of seeing him hurting, so either fix things between you two or give him a reason. That's the only reason I called. Now do you have something to say or should I just hang up?"

"Where is he?" he chokes out, barely able to keep his teeth from chattering. His entire body feels cold with panic, and every breath he takes burns his lungs. He feels like he can't get enough air, and his fingers clutch his shirt tighter. He doesn't even notice the fact that his nails have turned to claws—he doesn't feel them digging into his skin, having cut right through his shirt.

Leorio is silent, and for a moment Killua is filled with the fear that he isn't _actually_ going to tell him. Leorio is fiercely protective of Gon, so Killua knows that if the older man thinks Gon is going to get hurt again, he's going to do everything in his power to stop it from happening, regardless of his reason for calling. He knows Leorio is struggling with this, and not for the first time, Killua is glad that Gon has someone like him looking out for him.

But then he sighs. "...we're in Padokea, alright? I'm sure you can guess where."

"He's been at Heavens Arena, hasn't he?" he whispers, hugging his knees to his chest.

"He threw himself into fighting. He was so goddamn confused because of what you did, and I guess fighting was all he could do to try and cope."

"How did he get hurt, though?" Killua asks, chewing on his lower lip. The hand that isn't holding the phone is fidgeting with the hem of his shorts—he feels restless. He just wants to get to Gon, but he can't seem to make his legs move.

"One of the people competing pissed him off—he was fighting dirty, I guess. He took it upon himself to go to his room and deal with him, and he ended up pissing him off. The bastard had some of his friends in his room, and Gon may be strong, but he's not strong enough to deal with five highly skilled nen users at once." His breath catches, and Killua knows he's struggling not to break down again. "They roughed him up real bad, Kil. He was half dead when the arena's officials found him."

"That stupid _idiot_ ," the teen whispers, squeezing his eyes shut. "Why would he do that...?"

"Because he didn't have his voice of reason with him. Gon's a goddamn idiot, we all know that, but Killua...even if he didn't always listen to you, you always were the best at keeping him out of trouble." The words seem harsh, but Leorio says them softly. He's a big softie at heart, and no matter how angry he is, Killua knows he doesn't want to hurt him. He's only telling the truth—Gon had even said it himself, back when they'd escaped from the Troupe's hideout.

_"It's my job to say crazy stuff. Your job is to stay cool and stop me. So I'm counting on you."_

"Leorio...I really fucked up, didn't I?" His voice cracks embarrassingly, and he silently curses himself for sounding so weak.

"Why did you do that to him, kid? You're the one person that I thought he'd never be hurt by...so _why_?"

Killua swallows the lump in his throat. His reasoning seems so stupid now that he doesn't even want to say it, but he doesn't wanna lie to Leorio.

"Because I love him, and I was too scared of getting hurt because of it," he whispers, squeezing the fabric beneath his palm.

"...so you left before even letting him know." Killua doesn't answer, head hanging in shame, and Leorio explodes. "You are such a goddamn idiot, Killua! That is the dumbest thing I've ever heard!"

"You think I don't know it's stupid?!" Killua bursts out. A bitter laugh escapes him. "Trust me, Leorio, no one is more angry with me than I am. I was weak, okay? Am I...am I not allowed to be weak sometimes?" His voice breaks, and he curses softly as the tears start coming faster.

He hears Leorio suck in a breath, followed by a slow exhale. When he speaks again, his voice is gentle. "I'm sorry, Killua. I...I know I'm kind of a hothead—I get too angry sometimes. But he's been hurting, and I've been so fucking angry at you, but...you're hurting too, aren't you? You only did what you did because you thought it was your only option, right? Obviously I care about Gon and I don't wanna see him hurt, but the same goes for you too." He lets out a sigh. "Why didn't you call me? Or Kurapika? Have you been alone all this time?"

"...I was scared you'd both just hang up on me. I wouldn't have been surprised, honestly. I was with Alluka for a little while at the start, but...I didn't think I deserved to be happy after what I did, so I left her. I was distracting her from her training with Bisky, anyway," he answers, sniffling against his will. He's shaking, tears slipping slowly down his cheeks, and he honestly just wishes someone was there to hug him. Even if he'd feel embarrassed later about crying in front of people.

"Kid, when are you gonna get it through your thick skull that you're allowed to be happy?"

Killua curls inward at that. "I _hurt_ him, Leorio, something I told myself I'd never do. I don't deserve to be happy after that."

Leorio scoffs. "Killua, do you even realize how much you've done for him over the years? You've saved his life and kept him safe too many times to count. You've cared for him to the point that you didn't care what happened to you as long as he was okay. And that's fucking _incredible_ of you, even though it's a little crazy. Don't let this one thing erase every good thing you've done for him. Now are you gonna come here and fix things, or are you gonna keep punishing yourself?"

He chews on the inside of his lip, trying to stop its quiver. He wants nothing more than to go to Gon, but... "I'm _scared_ , Leorio. What if he doesn't wanna see me?"

"Honestly..." Leorio mutters, and Killua just knows he's shaking his head. "I can assure you that he wants nothing more than to see you again, idiot. He _should_ be mad at you, but he's not—he's just confused and hurt. So take responsibility and fix it, alright?"

He hears the phone shift, and then there's a new voice. "Don't run away, Killua," Kurapika says softly. "Running away won't make anything better—trust me, I know."

Killua takes a shaky breath and nods before remembering that Kurapika can't see him. "Okay," he replies, voice cracking. "I'll be there by tomorrow night."

"We'll be waiting," Kurapika tells him before he hears a soft click, letting him know the call has ended. His arm falls from the side of his face, his phone screen flashing as it signifies the duration of the call, and he takes a deep, shaky breath.

 _C'mon, Killua, you can do this,_ he tells himself, willing himself to stand. His legs feel like wet noodles—he feels as if all the strength has been sapped from his body.

He orders a ticket for an airship that will take him to Padokea. The closest flight is still over three hours away, so he thinks maybe it's okay if he takes a little nap. With his Godspeed, he can be at the airport in a flash, anyway, so he knows he can allow himself this small reprieve.

As he collapses onto the bed and drifts off, his mind is blissfully empty.

 

* * *

 

The second Leorio sees him, he's pulled into a crushing hug.

At first, he considers pulling away out of embarrassment. But Leorio's scent is familiar, comforting, so he ends up resting his head against his shoulder and clutching the fabric of his suit.

"I always forget how tall you've gotten," the dark haired man whispers. "You're as tall as me now."

It's still odd being eye-to-eye with Leorio. He was so used to looking up, after all.

"You look like hell, kid," he continues, still holding him right. Killua is grateful, although he won't say it out loud. "You look like you forgot what sleep is."

"I don't sleep much," he admits, sighing as he reluctantly pulls away. "Where's Kurapika?" he asks, glancing around. The blond is nowhere to be seen.

"He's with Gon."

Killua bites his lip, looking down. "...did you tell him I was coming?"

"Nah, figured I'd let it be a surprise," Leorio answers, wrapping an arm around Killua's narrow shoulders. "C'mon, let's go to his room."

Suddenly gripped with fear, Killua plants his feet firmly on the ground. He knows he's being stupid, but still—he's terrified. "Leorio, I—" His voice catches, and he picks at the hem of his shirt. "I'm scared," he whispers, feeling pathetic.

"He's asleep right now, so you don't have to face him right away," the older man assures him, giving his shoulder a reassuring squeeze. "Just...be there when he wakes up. He should be asleep until the morning at least, so you'll have some time to think about what to say."

Killua takes a deep, calming breath, feeling some of his fear ebb away. That seems a little more manageable than facing him immediately, because he hasn't quite figured out how to say what he needs to say.

He lets Leorio lead him to the right room, and they pause outside the door. It's closed, so he can't see inside yet, and he's kind of grateful for that since he doesn't know what exactly he's going to see when he walks in.

"He's a little banged up and he's got a broken leg, but he looks mostly okay. It's just that he has some broken ribs, and his lung got punctured when they broke, so he was in pretty bad shape for the first few days. But you know he heals fast, so he already looks a lot better than he did," Leorio explains, voice soft. "Don't worry, it's not...he's going to be _okay_." His voice is strained, and Killua knows they're both remembering the same thing.

Hand shaking, Killua reaches out and grabs the doorknob. He turns it slowly, hesitantly pushing the door open as he braces himself for what he's going to see.

He sees Kurapika first, sitting in a chair beside the bed and reading. He immediately sets his book aside upon seeing Killua, standing up and rushing over. The white haired teen doesn't expect the hug that the shorter man gives him, since Kurapika has never really been much of a hugger, but he's not going to complain about it.

"It's good to see you, Killua," he murmurs.

"It's good to see you too," Killua chokes out, suddenly overcome with emotion. He really had been terrified that they'd hate him, so knowing for sure that they really don't feels like a heavy weight falling from his shoulders.

Kurapika lets go of him, and Killua is surprised to see that his eyes have turned red. They're teary, too—he looks...relieved. "Sorry, I need to get a hold of myself," he says, rubbing at his eyes. When they open again, they're their usual grey. "I didn't mean to get so emotional, I just...I was worried," he tacks on, sounding apologetic. "You remind me so much of myself, so I understand what's going on." His eyes find Leorio's then for a brief moment, and Killua knows he's referring to the situation they'd been in a few years prior.

"Come on, let's go sit down," Leorio suggests, ushering them fully into the room so he can close the door.

Finally, as he moves closer to the bed, Killua's eyes find his sleeping best friend. His face is bruised and slightly swollen and there's a bandage across his nose; a bulky cast surrounds his right leg, held up by a sling that's connected to the ceiling. But he's alive, and that's all that matters to Killua.

The fuckers who did this to him aren't going to be, however.

"I know what you're thinking," Leorio says, resting a hand on his shoulder. "Relax, Killua, the revenge can come later. For now, just focus on Gon." Killua looks over at him, finding a deadly glint in his eyes. "Those fuckers will get what's coming to them eventually."

Killua exhales slowly, willing himself to calm down. Leorio is right—revenge can wait.

Gon is the priority right now.

 

* * *

 

There's fingers carding rhythmically through his hair. Killua thinks it feels very nice—it almost makes him not want to open his eyes.

But then he realizes that he's not sure when he fell asleep or whose fingers they could be, and his eyes immediately snap open as he flies into a sitting position. A blanket that someone had thrown over him at some point falls from his shoulders, instantly leaving him cold, and his back muscles protest the quick movement, stiff from being hunched over as he'd slept.

"Hey," murmurs a quiet, deep voice, and Killua almost starts to cry when he sees soft hazel eyes staring at him in the dim light of the hospital room.

"Gon," he chokes out, unable to say anything else as his eyes fill with tears.

"I didn't expect to see _you_ here when I woke up," Gon admits, scratching the back of his head. "I think I almost had a heart attack. Leorio and Kurapika were still here, though, so I figured they had something to do with it."

"I'll go if you don't want me here," Killua says quietly. "I'll understand."

" _No_!" Gon says it so suddenly, so sharply that Killua actually jumps, startled. "Please don't go," he pleads, voice much softer. "Not again. Not when you're finally _here_."

"I don't know how you can even _look_ at me right now," the taller boy whispers, looking down at the floor. “Why don't you hate me?”

"Killua, I'm not mad at you, and I definitely don't _hate_ you. I don't understand why you left, but...it doesn't matter to me. Because you're here now, and you're not leaving again...right?" He sounds almost fearful at the last part, and Killua silently berates himself again for doing this to him.

"Not unless you tell me to go," he promises, swallowing hard. "I'm _so_ sorry, Gon...I still don't even know how to explain why I did what I did, but...you deserve to know. So I'm going to be completely truthful with you."

"Did you leave because of the secret you've been keeping?" Gon asks, fiddling with the blanket on his lap.

Biting his lip hard, Killua nods.

"If I ask you what that secret is, are you ready to tell me?"

"As ready as I'll ever be," the white haired teen replies, his voice small and uncertain.

Reaching out, Gon takes one of Killua's hands from his lap and laces their fingers together. His hand is big, warm and familiar—Killua knows every callous he feels against his skin. His own hand is cold and clammy in comparison, but Gon doesn't seem to mind.

"Killua," he begins, voice soft, "will you tell me a secret?"

For a moment, it's like they're kids again—Killua still remembers the first time he heard those with stunning clarity, and he almost smiles.

But they're not kids anymore. It's not simple like it was then. Six years has changed everything.

This is the first time Gon has really _asked_.

His mouth feels dry. He doesn't know how to say what he needs to say even though he's had over a day to think about it, and he can feel himself starting to freak out. But then Gon squeezes his hand and looks at him with patient, understanding hazel eyes, and Killua squeezes the hand gripping his and breathes, "I'm in love with you."

Time seems to slow down. For a moment, all they can do is stare at each other; Killua's heart is pounding, blood rushing in his ears, and Gon's mouth has fallen open, his expressive hazel eyes wide with surprise as a faint pink blush spreads across his tanned cheeks.

Killua feels his body start to move, already beginning to stand so that he can make his escape. "I'm sorry, I probably just made things weird and you probably don't wanna see me anymore—"

Gon tugs on the hand that the taller boy has somehow forgotten he's holding, and then he's falling onto the bed. He panics for a moment, scared he's going to land on the shorter teen and hurt him, so his free hand flies out so he can stop himself before that happens. He ends up with one knee pressing into the bed, his hand next to Gon's hip, and his pale skin goes crimson as their noses bump. Their hands are still entwined, and Gon's free hand cups his jaw, his thumb stroking Killua's cheekbone gently.

"Killua," he murmurs, hazel eyes shining, "You're dumber than I thought."

Killua doesn't even have a chance to feel offended, because then Gon's hand is sliding to the back of his neck and pulling him even closer and his eyes are sliding shut as their lips touch.

Killua's first thought is that this has to be an accident—there's no way Gon actually meant to kiss him, right?

But Gon isn't pulling away. If anything, he's trying to pull Killua closer—almost robotically, he moves so that he's fully on the bed, a leg on either side of the dark haired teen's hips. His body is stiff with shock, and he feels Gon chuckle.

"You don't have to be so tense," he whispers against Killua's lips, and the taller teen can feel his smile. "It's just _me_ , Kil, there's nothing to be nervous about."

Killua wants to protest, but Gon's warmth is seeping into his body and making him feel fuzzy. He knows his cheeks are burning, but when he hesitantly reaches up to touch Gon's cheek, he finds that it's just as hot. He takes comfort in that—it means that Gon's just as affected.

Gon pulls back slightly, a lopsided grin on his face. "Are you gonna kiss me back or what?" he asks, eyes soft.

"Fuck," Killua whispers before surging forward, pulling his hand free of the other teen's to slide it into his dark hair, his other hand cupping his neck gently as their lips press together again. His heart is hammering in his chest, but not out of fear like before. He feels almost giddy now—Gon isn't rejecting him.

He feels like he can finally breathe.

Gon's muscular arms wrap around his back as their lips separate, and Killua lets his head fall and rest on his shoulder. They're quiet, but comfortably so, and a feeling of contentment settles in the taller teen's chest.

"Killua...if you love me, why did you leave?" Gon asks after a few moments. There's no accusation in his voice, just genuine curiosity.

"I wasn't ever going to tell you," he admits with a sigh, rolling over so that he sits beside Gon instead. The bed reclines a bit thanks to the remote in Gon's hand, and so Killua lays down beside him, looking up at the ceiling. "I didn't think you'd ever feel the same, so I figured I'd just keep it to myself so that I wouldn't risk our friendship. But it kept getting harder to hide, so I left before you could reject me." His breath catches as his eyes fill with tears, and he hastily wipes them away. "I wanted so badly to go back to you and beg for forgiveness, but...I hurt you, so I didn't think I deserved to be forgiven. I figured you'd be alright without me anyway, but...I guess that wasn't the case."

"Ehehe...I got a little reckless, didn't I? I'm sorry," he says sheepishly.

Killua turns to look at him, fighting down another wave of tears. "When Leorio called me... _god_ , Gon, I was fucking terrified. What the hell were you thinking?"

Gon shrugs. "He wasn't fighting fairly—he had people attack his opponents before their matches so that they'd be weaker when they fought him. I couldn't allow it to continue," he answers simply.

"So you decided to go after him on your own. And you almost _died_ because of it."

Gon looks properly abashed, scratching at his cheek—it was a nervous habit of his. "I thought he'd be alone. I should've known he wouldn't play fair, but I wasn't thinking."

Killua shakes his head, letting out a sigh. "You _never_ do. Honestly, I can't always be around to think things through for you—you need to learn to do that on your own at some point," he mutters.

Gon waves a hand dismissively. "I don't need to worry about it right away, because you're here with me now." He takes Killua's hand once more, giving it a gentle squeeze as a smile pulls at his lips. "Anyway, in case I didn't make myself clear...I love you too, Killua. I always have. I thought I was pretty obvious about it, so either you're really oblivious or I wasn't as obvious as I thought."

"Idiot, it was obviously the second one," Killua says haughtily, looking up at the ceiling again.

Gon laughs, tugging him closer so that he can kiss his cheek. "If it makes you feel better to think that way, then I'm alright with that. The important thing is that we're both idiots who love each other, the details don't really matter."

Red spreads across the pale teen's cheeks once more. "Idiot, you're so _embarrassing_ ," he whispers, turning his face away.

But Gon's hand finds his cheek and he turns his head back so that their eyes meet, leaning in to press a kiss to the tip of his nose before leaving a chaste kiss on his lips. "You wouldn't have me any other way," he murmurs.

Killua knows he's right—he loves every part of Gon, and he'd never want him to change.

He isn't going to say that out loud, though, because then he'd be the embarrassing one, and honestly? Gon is embarrassing enough for the both of them.

He thinks that Gon knows what he's thinking, anyway. He may be an embarrassing idiot, but he knows more about Killua than anyone else does.

So...maybe it's okay to leave _some_ things unspoken.

 

**Author's Note:**

> cry abt killugon w/ me on [tumblr](http://nehkoma.tumblr.com)


End file.
